Soon after my separation with work and the signing of papers that felt more like I was buying a house – – all of the feelings came pouring in. I don’t remember sleeping the first few nights. I had lost (or rather chosen to leave) 37 of the most magical years I could have imagined. I had always told others that I never worked in day in life – teaching was my passion – and likely would have done it for free if I didn’t need it to pay the electric bill. There certainly were a few bumpy moments in my teaching career (some I may be bold enough to talk about in future blogs). Moments that made me angry and very unappreciated. Moments that all my hard work and best intentions were being mis-interpreted right and left.
And my “spouse/theatre” brought up every one of my shortcomings. I began to re-experience in my brain every possible bad lesson, grumpy day, unkind word, dismissing of students, and lack of empathy I had known. Was I a great teacher or a collection of errors? My answer depended on the time of the day.
How was I going to make peace with all off this good and bad? I couldn’t go back and wallow in all of my successes and I certainly couldn’t apologize for all of the missteps. I did what I imagine a “good divorce” would do – I set off to remember all of the good times and be extra kind to myself over the missteps – – after all I had a beautiful marriage!