In doing work with high school actors – at least the high school actors under my watch, I am always amazed and rather jealous at how comfortable they are to touch and hold each other. This openness seems to go way beyond gender or sexual identity. They just think and respond so freely. It is almost as if they have escaped the limitations of being a boy and a girl and are rather comfortable in being children – at least for a few more years! This freedom really does assist me as a stage director. It takes very little encouragement for me to ask them to explore shaking hands, hugging, pats on the back or even appropriate kissing necessitated by the script. In fact, sometimes that opposite becomes the struggle. I am not really sure how many high-power executives actually hug each other during the day – – but in their eyes, I guess.
Of course this wonderful feature of youth can be taken too far. Since a little touch in good then why not drape on each other every single moment of the day. I guess the rules of “PDA” have their place.
I have found that in working on plays involving adults – and really how many plays are actually focused on children – they have to understand how LITTLE we touch. Most adults carry around a pretty big impenetrable bubble that only comes down for a few rare holidays and an unexpected moment of joy that sneaks in under our radar. I explain to the students that most of these characters in the play touch and get touched so very seldom – – in fact one of the big problems they face is how intensely they are cut off FROM affection. In short, if you want to play “one of us” you just can’t keep touching each other.”
To this end I often propose a “touch diet.” The students take a bit of an oath that they will avoid any and all touching for a full week – not a hug, not a pat, not a hand holding or a bit of wrestling in the hall. If someone comes to them open to the idea of some kind of touch – they are to say, “No thank you.” and step aside. Sounds easy. It is not. They die. They just die. After one week they are barely able to walk. Then after the week and the gates to touch open, you best beware. I have found that this silly exercise does help them understand a bit of the suffocating world of “maturity.” To play us – they just need to realize that touch is very much a negotiated luxury.
6 comments on “Negotiated Luxury”
Wow, that is so totally sad. I think I’ve always been a hugger, but you’re right about going to the workplace and being in an environment where it’s such a no-no. Maybe that’s why I like church so much! I always felt accepted no matter what I looked like or what age I was. And people were always affectionate.
I haven’t looked at teenagers like that in quite a while, but I think you’re right about their readiness to play and touch. They’re probably just not as warped as the rest of us yet. I can only say that when trying to help direct college students (and this was junior college), they already had that super-impenetrable “no touch” shield up and at the ready. I was actually shocked at how vigorously they would object to something minor like a little stage kiss. But I can understand it looking back. I think they were just too scared that something would be “weird” between them forever if they did it.
I think the no-touch exercise would drive me insane. I’ve habitually surrounded myself with friends that love to hug and touch for some reason. I really don’t have any days where I don’t get hugged unless I don’t leave the house for some reason.
Don’t get me wrong – some people just creep me out and I don’t let them hug me!
🙂
@ Andrea Robinson
Unfortunately we live in a society where hugging is becoming a rare art form or should I say a rare form of greeting. But it’s funny because in some cultures hugging is acceptable like I noticed some young people when they first meet each other the first thing they do is give each other, a pound and then hug each other which is which is kind of a culturally thing. But you have to think in today’s society, do you want hugs for everyone? Hugging is becoming like handshakes, if you think about a handshake how often do you go around shaking hands? How many viruses are spread through hand shaking? So we have to really consider hugging in today’s society.
I really appreciate the article and the fact that you’re working with young people is a great thing. One thing I notice about working with young people and young students is that a lot of times you end up being the student and they end up being the teacher. Sometimes you can learn a lot from young people more than you can adults. I was talking to my son of the other day and he said daddy do you remember when I taught you about space? I had to sit back and think…I have learned a lot from my son. So it’s great that you’re working with young people and learning from them as well
I wonder if their increased need to touch is related to the lack of closeness they feel because of the increased use of texting and other social media. Maybe they are subconsciously compensating for the lack of a personal connection. Your “touch diet” exercise is fascinating! It sounds like the basis for a great research paper. I look forward to reading more of your posts!
I would think that anyone that really wanted to be in the theater business would be able to see passed the “issues” that they might have touching another person, male or female. It really shows how a person can grow when they can get passed the immaturity that comes with being in high school sometimes.
I think a lot of this has to do with our perspective of being separate from one another.
Here, your students – while in your environment, are encouraged to express themselves freely. The funny thing is, when people are “allowed” to act naturally, they usually decide for themselves to do no harm.
I had spent many years in the Cosmetology field as a hairstylist. Touch was normal and expected (and necessary – try to cut someone’s hair from 5 feet away).
But I can see how in the corporate world (a place where division and competition thrive), people are programmed to see one another as an obstacle – unless they’re forced to work on a project together.
When that inner-child within us is encouraged to express in a safe place, there is no need for the angry/repressed kid to develop.
Most adults have the latter taking up space in their subconscious minds, so they naturally learn to fear others.
Human physical interaction is normal and healthy.
It all goes back to how we define things. Those definitions (beliefs) dictate our behavior and ultimate outcomes.